Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Stream of Consciousness - Passport Photos

So the sad sad time has come to renew my passport. My young, fresh 29-something year old faced photograph is to be no more. It's been a traumatic time, I'll be honest. Here's just some of the thoughts running through my head. 

Stream of Consciousness - Passport Photos

Planning Stage

"Need to do my new passport photos. I'll lose half a stone (from my chin) and then do them." 
"Crap, haven't got time to diet. What's the best angles for the chin of doom?"
"I'll practise in my mirror."
"Bollocks, I need to be face straight on. New pose needed."
"Ugh, can't duck pout either. Neutral expression?! I've got resting bitch face, how am I supposed to manage that?"
"Remember that time you were getting your first adult passport. When the photo booth counted down and your eyebrows just kept getting higher and higher? Yup...startled rabbit in the headlights look for ten years. Don't do that again!"
"Now I've thought it, I'm bound to pull a stupid face."
"Lightbulb moment! Got a curly blow booked in for the races. And a spray tan! I'll do my photos the day after that!" 

The day after the races

"Shit, I'm hungover. I mean, my hair is fabulous and my tan is perfect but I look so tired!" 
"I'll pile the makeup on, that'll work!" 
"How much makeup is too much?"
"If I contour, will the passport officer recognise me when I'm bloated from the plane. Best not. I'll leave the falsies too. Eyebrows though, got to do the brows."
"God I can't get them even! That'll have to do."
"Bronzer, where's the bronzer. Ah- now I look fresher but feel like death." 
"Oh there's a queue. And a screaming child. My head!" 
"Right, made it to the booth. Heads to fuzzy to follow the instructions."
"How do you spin these stools? I can't make it high enough for my carefully selected pose!" 
"Oh just press the button. Ok, arrange face, keep eyebrows down and for the love of God, don't grimace, pout or smile!"
"Wouldn't it be great if photo booths had filters?"
"Ooooh, my tan looks good!"
"How many chances do I get? I mean this one's ok but I could do better. What if I mess the next one up though and that's my last chance?"
"Oh it'll do, yes fine! Print them!"
"Can I just have a little snooze in the corner here? I'm so sleeeeeeepy!"

Stream of Consciousness - Passport Photos

"Ugh, there's people outside, I'll have to get up."
"Oooooh they're printing! Maybe the printing process miraculously rewinds the years?"
"Holy mother of....what went wrong? I'm so orange....! Too much bronzer to hide the hangover - I'm neon!" 
"Speaking of hangover, I'm in a supermarket. These will have to bring me the carbs...!"

Have a beautiful day, inside and out

Tori xx

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